Twilight, Ugh

Where or where do I begin? Should I defend my man card here for even watching this movie? Should I try and find the good points in a movie that was made entirely and exclusively for women? Let’s see if I can do both.

First, I do believe that a man can watch this movie on one condition: There is a woman in his life. There is absolutely nothing about the movie trailer or the way that the movie is described that would entice a man to watch it. And you can’t say that men don’t like it’s just because it is a romance, because even women admit that the love story is terrible and cheesy. So, why would any self respecting man even sit through this movie? Because of women. Women are so obsessed with this movie and we are so obsessed with women, that we’ll cave in and watch it or just watch out of shear morbid curiosity for what goes on in that female mind (I sure as hell don’t know).

Great, so now that I’m watching this, is there anything good in this movie? The short answer is no. If you can avoid this movie, do so for as long as possible. As a man, there is nothing in it for you. Any man that tells you otherwise is lying to you and to himself. The movie is one big eye roll after another. I swear to you there’s an “I can show you the World” moment from Aladdin in this movie. At least Aladdin was a good movie.

If you’re a woman, and specifically a 12 year old girl that doesn’t fit in at school but still has a fantasy of some dreamy guy coming in like prince charming and noticing the good in you that nobody else sees, then yes it’s for you. The plot is so extremely clichéd. The recluse girl with deeper in beauty that nobody sees, the handsome prince charming, it’s all a big fantasy. None of the love is natural, or earned for that matter. Other than some pretty good music, and creative comic book style cinematography, there is nothing in this movie for us guys.

Women know it’s bad yet they still want to see it, the same way we know that Arnold flying a harrier jet, with a broken cockpit, in the middle of downtown Miami, holding onto his daughter in one hand, shooting a missile THROUGH a building at a terrorist, all to finally deliver in cool deadpan voice,“you’re fired,” is bad yet we still want to see it. The love that is being told in this story is to that level of shear hilarity. You ever wonder why women say we’re idiots? Because we are to them! Tell me that Arnold scene I just described from True Lies isn’t awesome? It’s AMAZING! Women don’t get that about us, and this is exactly why this movie does give us men something very important that we need: Insight into the female mind. Watching this lets you know how they feel during mindless action movies.

Yes, women know what goes on this movie is cheesy over the top romance, but they love it because women’s brains must work differently. Right? That MUST be the explanation. Maybe it’s our primal urge to kick ass and destroy, and their primal urge to nurture and care…but clearly the intellectual parts of our minds are not operational when we watch Twilight and action movies. And that’s what Twilight is, the female summer block buster.

One thing is for certain, any man who tells me that he legitimately like this movie, or even worse, watched this movie without having a woman forcing him to, deserves props for keeping an open mind but absolutely loses a man card.

[More funny images can be found at: http://funnyscrapsorkut.blogspot.com/]